Hello Linda, Darlene, Bonnie and Mark,
I have sent this to all my siblings, Darlene will get a printed version asa I see her.
I hope all is going well with everyone. I have a few things to communicate to the 4 of you, so if this gets a bit lengthy, I apologize, but I am trying to cover some points I need to discus with you all.
Edís personal section on Ed:
Overall, considering the circumstances I am doing OK.
I have had three rounds of chemo, with three more to go.
The first two weeks were no fun at all.
This is the second day of third week and Iím doing really well.
My doctor has adjusted my medications and this is the first time
I have not been really ill from it all.
He has me on Marinol, (synthetic pot pills) of all thingsÖÖ..hehehehe,
But it really helps.
I have 3 more weeks of chemo scheduled, and then I assume surgery is not to far from that.
This isnít the greatest situation to be in but it could be worse,
I think itís going to suck for a while, but Iíll hopefully, come out ok at the other end of this all.
I will be down quite a few weeks during that time,
so I am trying to
take care of some of my details, in regards to momís stuff.
I am trying to get my personal belongings and items we discussed out of there before I have surgery, and I only get about 1 or 2 days a week between chemo where I can function normally.
Edís personal section on Momís stuff:
I have been up to moms a few times in the last few
weeks. I have started to remove some items that we talked about on the
phone. The bed in the Middle room, Eddieís Blue Dresser. I have also taken
any pictures of my immediate family, and some personal belongings of Eddie
and Stella, clothes, Karaoke machine etc. The Blue casserole Dish on the
Kitchen table that I bought her, and a glass picture frame that I bought
While I was there the last time, I was there with Darlene, she also took some items that she bought or gave mom, lamps, a water color that she painted, and pics of her kids, while we were there we were sizing up the clean up job on the house.
The attic doesnít seem to be too bad, the back room is in all reality, 75% Junk.
The cellar isnít too bad either.
Once it is organized, and we decide who gets what, and what to do with the items left over, it really wonít be that bad.
Other than personal possessions like some tools and
a ladder in the basement, kids clothes and stuff, the microwave from my
lunch truck, or any items I bought her for gifts.
I am still planning on taking the items we discussed on the phone.
1 white kitchen cabinet
The china cabinet in the entrance way
The velvet Elvis for my music room.
Possibly the sofa couch in the dinning room.
Dar and I are still wrestling over the kitchen set.
These items were discussed on the phone, so I am assuming
we were all in agreement..
I would also like to take this opportunity to put in a bid for the small bookcase in the middle room,
I have unpacked my booksÖ.and have nowhere to put them.
I would also like to get some sheets for the bed from the middle room.
And the Jewelry box that mom promised Stella needs
to be worked out, several of us know that mom promised her that either
in her own words, or in her own witting, that Eddie threw away, as a symbol
of bad luck.
If this is too touchy of an issue right now, I am sorry for bringing it up, but it will need discussed at some point soon, but there are even bigger issues that need to be cleared at the moment.
Thatís the Edís personal section on Momís stuff
Please send me a reply on your thoughts, questions or concerns on this sectionÖÖÖ.
Edís group/sibling section on moms stuff:
Please keep in mind, I am sending out this email, because
communication has to be maintained, the affinity level of us as a group
is at an all time low, this is an attempt to put us back into some type
of communication, as unemotionally charged as possible.
I know its hard talking about dispersing moms stuff but itís a reality we have to do.
I thought that what was put into motion the one and only communication cycle the 5 of us had together was that:
We made agreements on some specific items, and things we bought her, and personal possessions.
When ever possible, to remove items, to make room, to bring other items down stairs, to be sorted out for review by us all.
Staging or storing piles for mark and Linda till they get home.
Again, I was operating under the assumption that these things were agreed upon.
The last time I was at momís I was with Darlene and
these were the things that we were doing.
We also during the last conversation that the five of us had together,
made agreements on the administration of moms estate.
We agreed that Bonnie and Darlene, were to be the executors, and I was in agreement with that whole heartedly. Under the understanding that we were all to be in communication and agreement with handling of the affairs, and to proceed with clean up and organizing.
What we have now is a state of almost complete communication
What we have now is irrationality and emotional charge controlling our motherís final affairs.
I think I can honestly say, I am the only one of the five of us that has a clean communication line with the other four.
Every one was rocked by momís departure.
Grief, particularly of that magnitude, is like a volcano of emotions, while we were all trying to get a grip on what had happened, some of us let the negative emotions boil over the top.
Mark and I had a small com.break, that we have since rectified.
Mark and Linda also a small break, that I assume is rectified or nearly forgotten about..
Bonnie and Mark are/were in the middle of a particularly nasty one.
As a way to try to stabilize the one between Bonnie in Mark,
we all five agreed that Darlene and Bonnie were to be the executors of the estate.
Now again, please keep in mind, I am not choosing sides, or pointing the blame at any one of us. I am merely calling it as I see it. I love you all and I am attempting to get some rationalization for the five of us, as we are all 1/5 of the estate. These problems need examined by all of us so a rational solution can be proposed.
Within 24 hours of Darlene and Bonnie taking an oath
to uphold their duties of momís estate, they have had a series of communication
The executors are now not on speaking terms, and the few times that they manage to speak, or communicate, the situation worsens.
There are five people at fault here.
Darleen and Bonnie need to come to a point where they can talk, with out anger or personal shots to each other to get some things done.
Linda, Mark and I are at fault for allowing Bonnie and Darlene to be executors, under these circumstances of disagreements, arguments, and bickering. We all made a bad judgment call.
We are all adults, we are all capable of some type
of diplomacy amongst us all, despite what ever emotional charges we may
have running between some of us.
Diplomacy and communication are a must, if any of us canít muster up the will to do it for each otherís sake, then we have to be strong enough to do it for mom.
If she was alive, and witnessed all the bickering and
disagreement going on in the past few months, it would sadden her. We were
all her children, we all loved her and did what we could for her, she loved
us all and always did what she could for us all.
Not one of us has any greater claim to her love than the other.
Not one of us is any more ďthe bossĒ than the other.
The executor ships were to be for signatures to handle the red tape of the decisions to be made by the 5 of us. NOT for the decisions to be made by one or both of the executors exclusively with out the input of the other 3 or 4 members of the estate.
We are way off track as a unit in this area.
Disagreements should have time to run their course, then discharge.
When they donít discharge, or an understanding is not reached, then they become
debilitating problems to the tasks at hand. Irrationality and spite come into play, where impartiality fairness and rationality should be the foundation.
Negative emotion, when it is dwelled upon, and attached to grief, will act as a cancer on our souls.
I propose continuing on with the decisions on personal effects, organizing and trying to clear out what we can to make room for the stuff upstairs. Deciding what other personal effects we all get, not taking anything out of the house that isnít agreed upon by the others, or is our own property, or was items we gifted to mom.
It is our responsibility as 1/5 of this estate to be able to be mature enough to handle that end of it.
As far as the executor ships go, I really think we
are crippled in that department right now.
Darlene and Bonnie just canít seem to put the baggage down long enough to really actually get anything accomplished, each has their own reasons against the other,
Some are valid, some are not, and some are rooted in emotions that were spewing out all around us before mom was buried.
The majority of the issues of conflict are completely unnecessary and are just irrationalities anchored to grief and negative emotions.
They have no place in the present situation we find ourselves in now.
If, by some miracle, they can resolve this and as of today, as much as I hope they can,
I donít think they will,
I think the best solution is to seek an estate attorney to guide us through the process.
I propose Linda and Mark together seek and retain an attorney in Altoona to take care of things like the loans, the estate adds in the paper, the selling of the property.
It will cost about $4000 in the end, about $800 from each of our cuts, of whatever we manage to get out of the house. But it will be open 5 way communication from the attorney to the 5 of us. I think Linda and Mark together should do this, so there is no more conflict between Bonnie and Darlene.
It is the most rational, fairest way I can think of.
This will limit the opportunities for this situation to degrade any farther.
Bonnie and Darlene can still maintain their executorships, for signatures etc, but this would put us all under the supervision of a trained professional that does this kind of things everyday.
Even if we did have harmonious communication between the executors, it is obvious that this learning experience and the added burden of learning as we go is a burden that the estate as a whole is not capable of carrying.
I know Mark and Linda are out of town, but you both need to step up and put forth the effort and handle the logistics of doing this if the majority of us are in agreement.
Phone conferences instead of travel to town are an option to seek out an attorney.
This is not to be an attorney against any one of us, this is to be a representative for all 5 of us to maneuver us through all the red tape with the debts etc.
I am not in disagreement with any one of you personally; I am in disagreement with trying to handle a situation that demands open communication and affinity where none is present. It is not good for my sisters to bear the burden of this task, compounding it with the stress of fighting and arguing every step of the way. It is not good for the rest of us to have to sit by and witness this and wonder if what is the best good for the five of us is being carried out. I donít see how it can be with all the animosity that has gotten swirled into the duties of the executors. It is a very hard thing to judge through all of the bickering and implications of mistrust from both sides of the argument.
We all need to clear our heads of all the negativity,
get a scope on what needs to be done, get a scope on the other 4 estate
partners involved, and try to handle the grief of the loss of our mother
in a more productive, less destructive way.
I love all four of you, I have looked up to my older siblings my whole life, just as I have looked up to my parents. I hope things can smooth out. Things always seem worse than they are. Once you can confront and discharge negative issues, the true scope of what you have to handle comes into focus. We need to get this thing on track.
We need to get to the facts at hand in present time, not dwelling on who did what or who didnít do what thus far. We need to STOP. CHANGE, START and finish this last cycle of actions on our motherís behalf. We all have to be involved; we are each 1/5 of a partnership for the duration of these duties.
If anyone has any other rational solutions to these
dilemmas, please communicate them to the rest of us. I only ask that communication
be on what are we going to do now, not on the ďwho did what or who didnít
do what thus far issuesĒ
I am trying to invoke a positive communication on solving these problems, not a forum to perpetuate the bickering and negatives that got us to this point.
Please, all of us, letís get constructive to solve these issues, not destructive. To continue on this dwindling spiral that will eventually lead us, momís estate, her children, to a place we would be ashamed to admit to her that we have fallen. As much as we love her, we have to acknowledge the love she had for us all as individuals, despite what negative light shines between any two of us.
This is why we must all step up; stop the nonsense and do the right thing.
With much love and contemplation on these matters to
all four of you,
Your little brother,